Hole In My Heart

3 months...

Today marks 3 months since I got the call that evening. These last few months have been quite the journey. I wondered if the sudden onset of grief would ever stop. I wondered about all of the circumstances surrounding your last hours alive. I wondered about your eternal life and where you are now. I wondered how I would move past all of the hopes I had for us as a family. I wondered if I would be able to 'let go'. I wondered what was even 'normal'.

Today, I can say that the bouts of sudden grief have stopped. I am no longer obsessed with every detail surrounding your death. I do still wonder about your eternal life, but God has used this tragedy (as he uses all tragedies) to bring about a higher plan and purpose that my mind could ever grasp and my heart could never understand in this natural world.

It's absolutely true what they say....there will always be a hole. The truth is there has been a hole for you. For many years actually. Just yesterday I thought about the last time I saw you and how important it is not to take those we love for granted. We all do it. We just assume there will always be tomorrow. A tomorrow where things will smooth over, get better, etc. Hope.

You know, I never lost hope for you, Mark. Never. Even in our darkest times as a family. When you were a kid, I had hopes you would outgrow some of the things you were doing. When you were a young teenager I had hope that you'd get tired of the types of bad influences that always seemed to find their way to you - or maybe that you found your way to? When you were gripped by addictions and behaviors that started to define you in other's eyes, I still held out hope for you. Because I know you tried. You told me you did. And, I know you didn't like the struggles and what others thought of you. You just got in over your head on some things. But even then, I still held hope.

Today is no different, son. The hope is very much still alive for you even though you are not. I suppose my hope was always in God anyway. Only now, there's a hole. I will never see on this earth any of the fruits that all that hope in my heart holds for you. I only see and feel the hole. It's weird living with a hole in your heart. Especially this kind. Sometimes I want to talk to people about it, but I'm aware that this is mine to carry. You only had one mother.

Lord, nothing happens that you do not ordain. You could have saved Mark from dying. I trust you and know you loved him more than any of us ever could. Please continue to fill the hole in my heart with hope. You have created this hole and I can only trust that you will fill it. Have mercy on my son today and always. And, have mercy on us. We loved him and we miss him. His son is growing and life goes on. Give us all the hope we need in you. Amen.