1 Year...

It's been a year. It's been a strange one. As I write this a few days before the anniversary of your death coming up, I think about how you were alive just a year ago. I guess it's by God's grace that I didn't know the details of what was going on in your life last year. I know there were troubles. You always pulled away when there were. You knew I loved you. You just didn't love yourself at those times. Maybe you were hanging with the wrong people again, maybe you were using again, maybe you were struggling in life again or went back to your old ways again, I don't know. I don't even want to know because it doesn't matter.

Today I went to a cemetery here in Texas to pray for the dead in this month that we honor our dearly departed loved ones and pray for the holy souls in purgatory. I wish I could have gone to you. I didn't expect to break out in tears when I got there. I just cannot not think of you, Mark. Even though I have moved on like we all have, the hole of you in my heart is there. I have kept my promise to pray for you daily - - multiple times a day usually, like I told you I would do when you were alive. Like I do for all of the family. And, I've asked God to let you know that I continue to. I cannot judge your eternal destination, whether it be heaven or hell. Only God and God alone can do that. Sometimes in my quiet times, I fear the worst since you never gave any inclination to Holy, Christian ways at least not known to me. I prompted you to go to chapel when you were away and you told me you 'hadn't been yet' but that they did have one. I am glad that I never held anything back in sharing my faith with you.

My Catholic faith teaches that God is merciful even unto death and that in that moment he will give opportunity for the worst of sinners to repent and save their souls from eternal damnation. I hope he does for me and I hope he did for you. This gives me great peace. None of us can judge you or each other in this regard. God knows. And he knows I love and miss you. Some would say 'Happy heavenly Birthday'. I can only say it's been a year without you. A very tough and painful year Son. If we were writing to each other you would be asking me about Jill, Louie and Diana and if I've talked to them recently. Well, I can tell you yes I have been in contact with Louie & Diana.

Your son is beautiful and really cute. Your dad & Rose are taking good care of him and Gene and I are grateful for them. I wish we were closer to be part of his life. I wish we all were. I love you, Son. May our God of the Universe grant mercy on your soul today and for eternity. And may he do the same for all of us who loved you. ~Love, Mom