Fountain of Tears

You know, I still can't talk to others about you without tearing up. I know it's not even been 2 months and I don't know what I'd expect, but for some reason it strikes me every time. I think I want to think that I'm well along in the healing process and not stuck. It's true that the shock and trauma has subsided but the hole remains. The questions, the loss, the reality of death all remains. If I didn't control my tears I wonder sometimes if they would ever stop. I never knew a person could cry dry tears either, but now I know they can. I keep it together though with God's help and I do have more days with no tears than with them. After all, everyone does indeed move on. Back to routine, back to the same relating and dynamics, back to what's familiar I guess. I don't sit around crying, but my heart is sad and empty a lot of the time.

I still pray for your soul and can't imagine ever not doing so. I guess I had some good practice in the years you were alive. I am always begging God for assistance and mercy on you and on us. Things are difficult in the world right now Mark. Whenever I think things can't go more nuts politically or decline more morally they do. I think about all of the crap you have been spared in this world today. Then, shortly after that I shift to thinking about all of the things you are missing. It's hard.

If I were closer to you, I would go to you often. I would pray there with you and for you. I would tidy up your gravesite, bring some flowers or a plant maybe to make it nice, and just spend time with you. Maybe it's just as well that I'm so far away, I don't know. It would be difficult. I'm glad you are near family there though. I hear and see by pictures that Rose sends that Baby Mark is healthy and growing. He's very, very cute. I am glad he's where he is right now and wish he would grow to know us too.

I still don't really know all of the circumstances surrounding your death and sometimes it does a number on me. Other times, it's just as well. I know if I invested the effort to get reports and stuff I would piece things together but I guess I don't really have the energy for that. For now I find solace in the fact that God knows every detail and that's good for me. He is fair, he is just.

Diana has gone through some of your clothes and stuff and I guess your dad has cleared things out of your house. Nicole has been in touch with me but I haven't responded to her. The baby stuff will all be sorted out in time through the process. For now, he is loved, cared for and precious. I haven't talked to Jill or Lou in a long time. Well, seems like a long time anyway.

I miss you. The permanency of you being gone and separated from us is awful. I'm forced to let you go here and I don't want to. I wasn't ready to. I always held hope for us, for the family. The fountain of my heart still has hope mixed in with all of those tears. I love you always, Mark. Mom